molly-ren:

Photo: Banksy’s elephant in the room, as part of his exhibit Barely Legal (via Social Panda)

Hi guys! Sorry I couldn’t get this up sooner—I’ve been 1.) sick and 2.) moving, which left me feeling like I couldn’t get my thoughts together enough to respond to all the amazing commentary.

A little back story: way back in March, I wrote Why Fat Fetishists and Fat Avtivists Never End Up In Bed Together. I was trying to address several things by writing it, many of which are more clearly defined in my mind now than they were a couple months ago, but the main focus was challenging the more problematic reactions to feederism, fat admiration, and fat fetishes that I’d seen in fat acceptance. It received mostly crickets, except for this thoughful reply from Fatty Unbound.

Fast-forward to this month. I’d written an email to Fatcasters Marianne Kirby and Lesley Kinzel about the remarks about feederism (they had in fact responded, but for some reason I never got the email), gone to the ‘11 Fat Girl Fleamarket, and sat in on a live taping of the Fatcast at Re/Dress, but still felt like I was struggling to simply start a conversation about these issues.The Village Voice article Guys Who Like Fat Chicks was circulating in the Tumblr fat-o-sphere, and I rehashed my old arguments about preference vs. type vs. fetish, linking to the old post about fat acceptance and feederism. I expected more crickets. Instead, Riots Not Diets read it, reblogged the now two-month old article and Tumblr went boom (in a good way). Here’s a roundup of some of my favorite responses:

Spitfire Emporium responded with their own experience of fetishes within the context of a long-term relationship: “This is very interesting in the context of how little most people understand about fetishes in general. Most public opinion is very negative and factually inaccurate, and these negatively biased views were what I held - despite having been involved in BDSM, i.e. familiar with other kinks - until I met my husband, who has a fetish (yes an actual fetish). By the ridiculous logic so often held about fetishes, he should only love me because of the part of my body related to my fetish, etc etc. To which I have to say, what the fuck? That’s not even remotely how fetishes work.”

Lesley Kinzel(!) warmed my heart with this response to both the article and my efforts to talk with her and Marianne about feederism: “I really appreciate your commitment to having this conversation, even though I’m sure it’s continually a challenge to fight through all the shitty assumptions people have.

“I do want to clarify my feelings on this though—-I’d never argue that a feeder relationship can’t take place in a loving and respectful way. I’ve no doubt it’s entirely possible, and even common. I just had not personally met anyone who had a positive experience with it (until I met you!) and my own knowledge of feederism is EXTREMELY limited. Like, I probably know more about quantum mechanics than I do feederism.”

Marcelle42 wrote a response to all the responses in Defining Terms, where they tried to take apart people’s responses to “fetish” vs. “preference”. They use Marx (I can’t comment on this one very well because, to steal from Lesley, I probably know more about quantum mechanics than I do Marx!) and some of the responses are interesting.

Finally, Marianne Kirby wrote That Sexy Fat Pink Elephant in the Room; Discussing Fat Fetishes, and Feederism: “While I think it’s totally valid to be uncomfortable with objectification, it makes ME deeply uncomfortable to see discomfort with fetishes and discomfort with objectification conflated in this way. Because it’s damaging both to fetishists AND to people who just think your ass is attractive.

“I’m not advocating that you disregard your instincts in any particular moment. I’m advising that you sit down, when you aren’t in the middle of a situation, and figure out your motivations and whether or not it is worth trying to push the edges of your comfort zone a little bit. Our instincts are often good – but they aren’t always pure instinct either. We’re just as culturally constructed as everyone else.”

I’m going to try and take time in the next month to respond thoughtfully to everyone, but the fact that I sparked a discussion about rare and unusual fetishes and got almost no hateful comments still blows me away. Thanks so much for all the reblogs!